Four years.

A lot can change in four years. Obviously. Four years ago today I woke up beyond excited to attend a family friends bridal shower. I climbed into a new dress and wore the biggest smile on my face. A smile that had been mostly untouched by heartbreak and disaster. That doesn't mean I hadn't been faced with any loss because I certainly had. The only difference is all of that loss made sense to me. Family members that meant the world to me but were sick and weak. It was easy to justify that, they were no longer happy and had to move on to a better place.

Four years ago today I attended that bridal shower, I chatted about senior year being just two weeks away and I went to bed watching my favorite movie and texting the boy I liked. Four years ago today I looked at facebook for the last time before I went to bed and I saw it. The news that would change my life forever. 

One of my best friends had taken his own life. 

Do you remember a time where you literally felt your innocence be taken away from you by what feels like a freight train? I do. 

It was the moment I ran into my parents bedroom, right over to my Dad gasping for air because it felt like the world was caving in on me and muttered "Brendan killed himself." The last gleaming bit of complete innocence was taken in the days following when I walked into the wake of my friend and I saw him laying there. I could touch him but he was gone. 

Four years later, I'm strong and I'm happy. I can't watch the movie I had been watching when I found out and I take most opportunities to tell the people in my life how much they mean to me. I try to make decisions based on what makes me happy and always, always try to put a smile on someones face. 

My heart still breaks every single day for my friend that didn't ask for help. That didn't see the light and didn't know that he was responsible for so much happiness amongst so many people. 

Four years later and I'm still in love with those rosey red cheeks and that amazing personality. 

Here's to my friend. I hope to god he has found peace. 

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