Comparison is a Bitch

If you're anything like me you spend countless hours a week scrolling through your Instagram feed, lusting over tropical getaways and outfits that could make Princess Kate drool. For me, these scrolling sprees usually take place either shortly after I have opened my eyes in the morning and/or right before drifting off to dreamland at night. My feelings quickly turn from lust to longing every.damn.time.

"Why don't I have that many followers?"
"How can she afford all of these clothes and those vacations?"
"I really need to make myself write more."
 "Damn it, why won't my blog grow?"
"These dreams will never happen."
"People don't care what you have to say and offer."

Do any of those sounds familiar?

These internal questions set me up for failure daily. The second I take a peak down the rabbit hole of comparison I am sucked in quick and there's no looking back. In an attempt to live up to the following of fashion and travel bloggers, the rest of my day is consumed with thoughts of what to blog about and the need to be somewhere cool to Instagram. The more I think, the harder to post anything at all. The truth is that right now, I am far from a travel blogger. (It's definitely on the goal sheet!) Further, I will NEVER be a fashion blogger. I like athleisure apparel and sweat too much. 

What I am, is a little bit of a hot mess sometimes. I feel like a little fish in a big tank nine times out of ten and am doing my best to adult daily. All I really need to make me happy is a Beyoncé playlist and a cup of coffee. As much as I love to sweat, I really love to lay in bed with my dog. I love to travel but my budget is tight. 

Comparison is a bitchy little voice that tells my voice it isn't good enough. It makes the joys of my day seem small and insignificant. Comparison tells me just how big I am allowed to dream and tries to force me away from my goals. 

 My moments, my streets and my people are of equal value than what I'm searching for. Speaking authentically allows me to connect to others and show up for myself every day. Sharing myself allows me to grow into a big fish in this tank of life. 

I'm definitely a work in progress but I'm trying to turn my scrolling-induced jealousy sessions into motivation to reach my goals my way. 

I'm enough.
You. Are. Enough. 

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Rituals

If the title of this post made you think about candles, hoods and chants- you should know we aren't discussing that kind of ritual today. Actually, we probably aren't discussing that kind of ritual ever. Moving on. In order to keep a sence of balance and presence in my life, I think it's really important to set an intention for the upcoming hour, day and week. Starting every morning with the same routine/ritual has made a huge difference in both my productivity and preparedness for the day.  In college I would sleep until I had just enough time to pull together a well-put together student. Or so they thought, lol. No breakfast, no time to shake the sleep from my brain and worse- no time for me. I even managed to grab a large coffee everyday despite my financial status. This is also around the time I saw my anxiety explode through my life and watched myself slowly withdraw.  Now I have more energy, I'm pushing myself to be the best version of me everyday and I feel energized to accomplish goals. My schedule doesn't allow every morning to be full of the same luxuries and sometimes it means getting up a little earlier than normal. Waking up to take care of my body and set positive intentions overpowers sleepy thoughts throught the day. When I struggle, I still reach for the aforementioned large coffee. I'm only human! So what's my morning ritual? I thought you'd never ask!

1. I wash my face and brush my teeth, you can find my favorite products here! Washing up first thing really wakes me up.

2. I grab a glass of cold water and add a slice of lemon while my favorite coffee brews in my keurig! I find that initial glass of water makes a big difference in my day. Energy, healthy choices throughout the day and clear skin. Check.

3. I sit with my feet up and my coffee. I love reading blogs such as rockyourbliss or Gabby Bernstein for a little personal development. I'm someone who is in constant practice of being the best me. These women kick ass when it comes to spreading all of the inspiration.

4. I read a few of my favorite lifestyle boggers favorite posts and post my own. Around this time I am typically enjoying a little high-protein breakfast as well. 

5. YOGA! I love myyogaworks.com.

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Goal Diggin'

Now I ain't sayin' she's a goal digger, but she ain't messin' with no unmotivated.... just kidding. Speaking of unmotivated, I have this lovely Wednesday morning off and I snoozed my alarm, skipped Pure Barre and am currently buried under two blankets, a laptop and a second cup of coffee at noon.

My last post mentioned the dark space I found myself in only a few months ago. Although my car just stopped accelerating on the highway and was recently pronounced dead, I am happy. I am a work in progress however.

The night my car died on my way home from work I was a big ol' ball of nerves and tension. I kept hearing things like "don't worry about it until you know what's wrong" or "it could be nothing!" I knew in my gut it wasn't nothing. After having the car towed to a local garage, Alex insisted we keep our date for the night. A bottle of pinot noir please! 

My chest stayed heavy and my stomach in knots until I finally told my parents it was time for me to make my first big girl purchase in a precarious financial position. Sharing the news lifted a small amount of the building pressure but I still walked around with dread. This is where we bring in that work mentioned earlier. 

My car died. My fourteen year old car with 208 thousand miles on her. I knew this was coming, it has actually been hanging over my head for a couple of years now. There is nothing I can do, I have to buy a car because I need a means of transportation. I am an adult that works full time and am more than capable of taking on a car payment. The timing wasn't ideal but when are these things ever ideal? Now, I get to actually pick out the car I am going to drive moving forward! My last car was my Dad's. 

That small shift in how I chose to look at my situation was the same way I was able to completely let go of my stress and anxiety surrounding it. I have the power to make my day what I want it to be. It is about fostering the right attitude and energy. Vibes man. 

Now that I have shared that little story with you, here is a list of 10 goals I hope to achieve in 2017.

1. Complete a gratitude journal. Start each day with one word or sentence explaining what I am grateful for that day. At the end of the year I plan to read back and look for themes. Those themes are things I will need more of in the future. 

2. Build my blog. All the hustle. 

3. Push my body and mind every day. Sweating once a day will keep the blues away! This goal means I actually need to get my a$$ to spin when I say I am going to. Word on the street is there is a Soul Cycle opening just a hop, skip and a jump from me. #getitrightgetittight

4. Be present. I have a tendency of letting my mind wander to the errands I should be running or the articles I should be planning. When I'm not present in conversations or my surroundings I'm not putting my best foot forward. 

5. Buy a new dope ride. With the entire beginning of this post I don't know how I got to number five before mentioning this one. 

6. Travel. I would love to see as many new places as possible this year. Whether they are down the street or across the ocean. 

7. Landmark. Lululemon sends their interested employees to a convention called Landmark. From what I hear it changes lives and I can't wait to get my hands on it!

8. Stay on top of chores. I am someone who is pretty good at leaving a coffee mug in the sink and a load of laundry in the dryer for a little bit too long. Be better Shan. 

9. Save that money. I have some serious long term goals in mind and those require some serious dolla dolla bills y'all. Don't worry we will go into those goals another day. 

10. Start everyday with a thankful mind and a full heart. Love beats hate and I am slowly but surely learning that the universe has my back. 

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See ya 2016

Please enjoy this irrelevant picture of pretty flowers!

This is a post I have struggled with. I mean if that wasn't evident, it is January 31st and I am just sitting down to project some of these crazy thoughts into this empty space. 2016 was a year where my heart has felt so full it could just explode with all of the love and happiness. 2016 was also a year that  I found myself questioning everything I've known to be true to date. 
It's important to me that my blog is a corner of the internet that exudes light. I hope to empower anyone reading or at least leave them with a smile. Unfortunately, my review of the last year can't be entirely positive. In fact, I am choosing to include the raw details because at the end of the day this is my blog. I want to look back in 10 years, I want to remember the pain of the lows and I want to embrace the goals that turned into reality. Hopefully.
Let's rewind all the way to last January. Last January began my last semester of college. My best friends and I were more than ready to take the world by storm but first, we had to take advantage of our lack of responsibility while we still could. This meant thirsty Thursdays and a bond like you dream of. (My small state school was not my first choice but it certainly holds a top spot in my heart now.)
March brought my last spring break in West Palm Beach Florida. Our trip was ideal, we stayed for free in a gorgeous home in Jupiter. Jupiter is a wealthy area that holds beautiful beaches and a small tiki bar that speaks directly to my soul. West Palm on the other hand was your typical sprang break destination where I had a dance off with a stranger in the middle of a club. I am not entirely sure how it started but I do know I finished the job. #getitrightgetittight
In May I graduated from college and accepted my first full time job. The job sounded great! Benefits, actual money and reliable paychecks, oh and my very own office space to decorate with Target's Nate Burkus collection. At first, like the naive little lady I was, I thought "this whole 8-5 thing isn't so bad." My desk held a picture of Alex and I, a little candy dish for the afternoon snack attack and color coded everything. A month and a half into the real world and I genuinely thought I was killing it. Silly silly girl. 
June 10, Alex get's a phone call around 7:15am and quickly hustles out of his bedroom. I heard some movement in the house and could tell something was going on. I thought nothing of it and closed my eyes again. He was back in his room a few minutes later, after hearing a few sniffles I turned over to see his eyes full and lost. His eye's met mine and with the gravity of the statement weighing on his entire body, he shared that his roommate had passed away late the previous night. Matt had a heart condition that we all knew about but perhaps didn't know the severity. I'm not even sure Matt knew the severity. 
That same night, after a day trapped in my cubicle and bogged down with worry and pain, I passed out a few times in a few short minutes. An ambulance was called and I earned myself a ride to the hospital. Alex was terrified, devastated and exhausted but never left my side. What a rockstar. A little concussion but I was okay. 
As you can imagine the following days and weeks were just a blur. Walking into Alex's house and passing Matt's room felt like a dagger to the heart every single time. Luckily, there wasn't very much time remaining in the lease.
In typical corporate fashion I was told I was unable to attend services as it wasn't a family member. Now, I understand this is corporate America and we do need to create rules and boundaries, especially when it comes to jobs that ultimately need to get done but come on. This is when I started to discover that I don't want to work for the man. The man sucks. That rule sucks. Ultimately, some co-workers were extremely generous in switching around some days and allowing me to attend. 
July brought a big change for Alex and I! We signed our first lease and moved in under the same roof.   Our home actually brought some relief to us and his friends. It was free of memories and familiar sights. Immediately we filled our weekends with friends and sangria. We wanted to celebrate our achievement and appreciate our friends. (It's been an adventure and I've certainly thought about killing him but I could't be more grateful for my home with Alex and Coops!) 
Fast forward six weeks, I walked into my office from a coffee break and a co-worker exclaimed "Call Alex! Something is wrong!" Cue my heart falling right into my stomach. Another friend of his was killed in a car accident. 
I'm someone that believes firmly in everything happening for a reason. All of the sudden I was left questioning, well, everything. 
The next few months proved to be really hard. Constant feelings of anxiousness. Always wondering why such horrible things could happen to such great people. My heart was hurting and my mind was in turmoil. I had fallen into the rabbit hole. 
My days felt like an eternity while I was in the office. The days and people seemed to get worse the more they liked me and filled me in on. I woke up, went to work, came home and tried to relax as much as possible. I found myself trying to stay up as late as my eyes could possibly stay open just so that I didn't feel as though most of my hours were spent in such a hostile, miserable environment. I lost motivation to take care of myself, exercise. All of my hard work and progress out the window. I found myself withdrawing, but who really cared about that anyway? The rabbit hole was dark and lonely. Good times felt far and few between. 
I can't help but tear up talking about that period of time. I spent most of my days longing to feel "normal," to laugh and actually smile. I wanted to be a strong person for Alex and his poor friends but I didn't know up from down. After a few incidents with my company in just a few short days, I made the decision that in one way or another I was to be out of that job in exactly two months. I had given myself a timeline and even that improved my spirit. 
Quickly summer turned to fall and I was left wondering how summer was over before it began? Yikes. I needed to make a change. 
In an attempt to find some further relief from my stress I pushed myself to go out when invited. That's when I met a confident, free spirit who intrigued the shit out of me. I mentioned that I felt as though my current job was taking absolutely everything from me and I didn't know how to stop it. A new job for sure but that certainly wasn't going to happen overnight. Until it did. This free spirit who actually turned out to be extremely intelligent and driven, encouraged me to apply at lululemon. She raved about the company and its culture, explaining that she never felt as though she were working. 
I went home that night and applied online. After a couple glasses of wine I decided it probably best to  wake up and read over the app before final submission. I was emailed that day asking to interview the following. The rest is history. I am slowly learning techniques to rid myself of vibes that I can't control. As I sit here writing, I can tell you that I am happy. Genuinely happy. 
2016 ended with new friends, a new career and new hopes. It also ended with food poisoning but that's alright- it's over! Sorry for the length of this bad Larry. If you made it this far you deserve a drank. 

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Coffee Talk- Moving In With Your Significant Other

It's been about a month since Alex and I decided to take the plunge and co-habitate a cute little second floor apartment. This move has been great because I get to wake up to my best friend every single morning. I get to tell stories about my day, my blog and life. I look forward to ending my day on the couch with my best friend and leaving "have a great day" on the whiteboard on the fridge every morning.

As much as I love living with him, it certainly presents challenges. Everyone know's boys are difficult so here are some things to consider before taking the plunge.

• What's your definition of clean?

We're both pretty busy individually and at the end of a long day it's easy to save some dishes for tomorrow. If you ask me, I'm more than okay with that. It's important to make sure leaving a couple of dishes for tomorrow doesn't turn into a mound of smelly dishes next week. If there are a couple hanging around, can you expect your significant other to pick up the sponge? I would prefer my bed to be made everyday but I leave the house first and that doesn't happen. I deal with it. 

• Finances

You'll want to make sure you're both on the same page before moving in with one another. Alex and I are aware of what the other earns, we discuss our bills weekly and take turns buying groceries or ordering out. Neither of us know exactly what the other has for money at any given moment but we're both aware that bills can and will be paid and we're honest when groceries were a lot and the other needs to pick up a little slack. It's also been important that we limit our meals out. Cooking together and planning meals saves us a lot of money. Being an adult is choosing between chinese takeout and RedZone. 

• Company

Before deciding to shack up with little old me, Alex lived in a large house with five other guys. Yes, five and YES, it was gross. Alex's door was always open to friends and families to swing by. Believe it or not I really do mean always. I don't think that door locked a day during their lease. For this reason it was important for me to tell him right off the bat that sometimes I just want to be in my home without a bra or makeup. Sometimes I don't want to entertain. Alex know's how I feel and is getting pretty good at giving me warning before someone comes over. The surprise visits (surprise for me that is) are definitely still a thing but I secretly don't mind them. He just can't know that.  Make sure the two of you talk about company and when you'll have it. 

• Arguments

No one wants to think about this one but it's something that is really important. When you have an argument is your first instinct to run? If so, ask yourself what will happen when there is no where to run to. It's nice that we have a bedroom I can sneak away to for gossip girl, face masks and wine but sometimes we just need to sit there and hash it out. Sometimes, there is no answer and agreeing to disagree is the only way to end it. Can you settle your blood back to a slight simmer and enjoy dinner after that? 

Fun usually requires some degree of work to keep it going. A relationship and a home are no different. If you're confident and your significant other is your best friend and biggest supporter, it's a no-brainer.  

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