See ya 2016

Please enjoy this irrelevant picture of pretty flowers!
This is a post I have struggled with. I mean if that wasn't evident, it is January 31st and I am just sitting down to project some of these crazy thoughts into this empty space. 2016 was a year where my heart has felt so full it could just explode with all of the love and happiness. 2016 was also a year that 
I found myself questioning everything I've known to be true to date. 

It's important to me that my blog is a corner of the internet that exudes light. I hope to empower anyone reading or at least leave them with a smile. Unfortunately, my review of the last year can't be entirely positive. In fact, I am choosing to include the raw details because at the end of the day this is my blog. I want to look back in 10 years, I want to remember the pain of the lows and I want to embrace the goals that turned into reality. Hopefully.

Let's rewind all the way to last January. Last January began my last semester of college. My best friends and I were more than ready to take the world by storm but first, we had to take advantage of our lack of responsibility while we still could. This meant thirsty Thursdays and a bond like you dream of. (My small state school was not my first choice but it certainly holds a top spot in my heart now.)

March brought my last spring break in West Palm Beach Florida. Our trip was ideal, we stayed for free in a gorgeous home in Jupiter. Jupiter is a wealthy area that holds beautiful beaches and a small tiki bar that speaks directly to my soul. West Palm on the other hand was your typical sprang break destination where I had a dance off with a stranger in the middle of a club. I am not entirely sure how it started but I do know I finished the job. #getitrightgetittight

In May I graduated from college and accepted my first full time job. The job sounded great! Benefits, actual money and reliable paychecks, oh and my very own office space to decorate with Target's Nate Burkus collection. At first, like the naive little lady I was, I thought "this whole 8-5 thing isn't so bad." My desk held a picture of Alex and I, a little candy dish for the afternoon snack attack and color coded everything. A month and a half into the real world and I genuinely thought I was killing it. Silly silly girl. 

June 10, Alex get's a phone call around 7:15am and quickly hustles out of his bedroom. I heard some movement in the house and could tell something was going on. I thought nothing of it and closed my eyes again. He was back in his room a few minutes later, after hearing a few sniffles I turned over to see his eyes full and lost. His eye's met mine and with the gravity of the statement weighing on his entire body, he shared that his roommate had passed away late the previous night. Matt had a heart condition that we all knew about but perhaps didn't know the severity. I'm not even sure Matt knew the severity. 

That same night, after a day trapped in my cubicle and bogged down with worry and pain, I passed out a few times in a few short minutes. An ambulance was called and I earned myself a ride to the hospital. Alex was terrified, devastated and exhausted but never left my side. What a rockstar. A little concussion but I was okay. 

As you can imagine the following days and weeks were just a blur. Walking into Alex's house and passing Matt's room felt like a dagger to the heart every single time. Luckily, there wasn't very much time remaining in the lease.

In typical corporate fashion I was told I was unable to attend services as it wasn't a family member. Now, I understand this is corporate America and we do need to create rules and boundaries, especially when it comes to jobs that ultimately need to get done but come on. This is when I started to discover that I don't want to work for the man. The man sucks. That rule sucks. Ultimately, some co-workers were extremely generous in switching around some days and allowing me to attend. 

July brought a big change for Alex and I! We signed our first lease and moved in under the same roof.   Our home actually brought some relief to us and his friends. It was free of memories and familiar sights. Immediately we filled our weekends with friends and sangria. We wanted to celebrate our achievement and appreciate our friends. (It's been an adventure and I've certainly thought about killing him but I could't be more grateful for my home with Alex and Coops!) 

Fast forward six weeks, I walked into my office from a coffee break and a co-worker exclaimed "Call Alex! Something is wrong!" Cue my heart falling right into my stomach. Another friend of his was killed in a car accident. 

I'm someone that believes firmly in everything happening for a reason. All of the sudden I was left questioning, well, everything. 

The next few months proved to be really hard. Constant feelings of anxiousness. Always wondering why such horrible things could happen to such great people. My heart was hurting and my mind was in turmoil. I had fallen into the rabbit hole. 

My days felt like an eternity while I was in the office. The days and people seemed to get worse the more they liked me and filled me in on. I woke up, went to work, came home and tried to relax as much as possible. I found myself trying to stay up as late as my eyes could possibly stay open just so that I didn't feel as though most of my hours were spent in such a hostile, miserable environment. I lost motivation to take care of myself, exercise. All of my hard work and progress out the window. I found myself withdrawing, but who really cared about that anyway? The rabbit hole was dark and lonely. Good times felt far and few between. 

I can't help but tear up talking about that period of time. I spent most of my days longing to feel "normal," to laugh and actually smile. I wanted to be a strong person for Alex and his poor friends but I didn't know up from down. After a few incidents with my company in just a few short days, I made the decision that in one way or another I was to be out of that job in exactly two months. I had given myself a timeline and even that improved my spirit. 

Quickly summer turned to fall and I was left wondering how summer was over before it began? Yikes. I needed to make a change. 

In an attempt to find some further relief from my stress I pushed myself to go out when invited. That's when I met a confident, free spirit who intrigued the shit out of me. I mentioned that I felt as though my current job was taking absolutely everything from me and I didn't know how to stop it. A new job for sure but that certainly wasn't going to happen overnight. Until it did. This free spirit who actually turned out to be extremely intelligent and driven, encouraged me to apply at lululemon. She raved about the company and its culture, explaining that she never felt as though she were working. 

I went home that night and applied online. After a couple glasses of wine I decided it probably best to  wake up and read over the app before final submission. I was emailed that day asking to interview the following. The rest is history. I am slowly learning techniques to rid myself of vibes that I can't control. As I sit here writing, I can tell you that I am happy. Genuinely happy. 

2016 ended with new friends, a new career and new hopes. It also ended with food poisoning but that's alright- it's over! Sorry for the length of this bad Larry. If you made it this far you deserve a drank. 

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