The Hardest Thing and The Right Thing.

About a month ago I made a decision that I absolutely didn't mean at the time. It was one of those spur of the moment, wish I could take that back immediately after it jumped out of my lips type things. I just couldn’t take it back and I didn’t know if I should take it back. I made a decision to entirely give up the most comfortable and secure person in my life. At the time, I just wanted to make a point; I was angry. I didn’t intend on ever giving anyone up. I had never thought of myself only, just feeling comfortable with someone and loving in return. Questioning whether or not that was enough seemed absurd to me. Why in the world would love not be enough? Isn’t that what people search their entire lives for? 

A week later, I found myself in a huge audition. I forced myself to go because I wanted to be a desirable person that was worth missing. I auditioned to be something that I wanted people to see me as opposed to what I wanted for myself. THAT was the fundamental problem. Everything has always been what I wanted other people to see. 

I walked into the one-on-one portion of the audition. Performed and stood there, equal parts numb as I was amazed at how I could forget how therapeutic dancing was for me. “Shannon.” I finally heard. “You COULD be incredible… If you had an ounce of confidence in yourself.” There it was. Laid out on the table in front of me. I always thought I had done a pretty good job at hiding my lack of confidence from the rest of the world but it was exposed. 

I made the company, though. I’m officially dancing again but I needed a huge change. 

I forced myself to pick my head up, put on some lipstick and go on a journey that entailed a whole lot of alcohol and an incredible lack of feeling and emotion. Being numb and feeling nothing was better than feeling too much and being unable to cope. I went out, I danced on a table, I told random strangers my name was Bridget and I worked out non-stop. 

I found comfort in small things I always had. Friends and family, sunrise and sunsets and now dancing. I’m just not doing these things for what everyone else sees me as. I’m not doing them to make someone want me. Instead, I take a dance class and smile when it seems to heal my heartache. I watch the sunrise and tell myself a new day and new beginnings are just around the corner. If the world can create such a gorgeous view, then I can create a smile just to get myself through the day. 

A month later, here I am. I can’t figure out how to be numb anymore. I probably shouldn’t be numb anymore either. It solves nothing. More often than not I find the radio to be a bully. Like Keith Urban says “Words I wished I’d said come on the radio.” So here I am, lonely but managing. Do I go back to the person that I love that makes me feel comfortable or do I continue to push myself to become a happy person I can be proud of on my own. Push myself to find the things that I enjoy and do them just because I want whats best for me not because I’m doing it for anyone else. Do I make myself happy so I can make my person happier in the end or go back so I don’t lose the only person that makes me feel like I have a purpose here.

Everything happens for a reason is what I have always believed. This time it’s an incredible gray area.